I used to suffer from bouts of depression and anxiety. I started noticing it in my late teens and it got worse in my early years at university. I was so taught, so wound up with fear and anger. I was afraid of many things; failure, wasting time, not being good enough. I was a typical high achieving perfectionist in an alien environment where there were no clear rules on how to succeed - and I completely floundered.
It was a long road to recovery. I tested the patience of a lot of people. But I got through it, and I'm much happier now than I was. In fact, I'm probably the happiest I have ever been as an adult.
This afternoon my short doodling session didn't go to plan; I tried to move this little sunset study along and ended up just muddying the colours. Le sigh. But oh well, it was a good failure lesson and then I went for a run and I felt great.
I could never have imagined myself doing this when I was at my lowest. I could never have simply brushed off failure with a shrug, chalk it up to experience and go about my merry way. I would have curled up into a ball and berated myself for feeling shit. Intellectually I could of course understand we can't succeed at everything first go, but something wasn't there that would allow me to feel acceptance.
Now I can accept that I'm not great and this thing didn't work out. It's okay, I'll try again later. I'll keep going and keep working and I'll love learning while I'm doing it. 'Be kind to yourself' is easier said than done, so I'm glad for when I get to practice. Little failures are all the better for this experience.